Trying to imagine a relationship without 'games' is like trying to imagine a world without weather. It is just not possible. When people say that they "don't want games" what they really mean is that they don't want sick games, or stupid games. From one perspective it could be said that the whole of life is a game, so it is not so difficult to accept that what happens in relationships are 'games' of one sort or another. Therefore, there is nothing derogatory about the term 'game', games are only a problem when they are negative in some way.
Games are negative when they are done purely for effect without being willing to engage with the consequences. If I pretend to like someone that I know I really don't really like as a way of getting something from them (attention, sex, free drinks) then that is a sick game - particularly if I know the other person likes me. It would mean that I was leading them on and playing with their feelings, knowing full well that I was going to hurt or disappoint them at the first opportunity to get what I want from elsewhere.
If I am playful with someone that I like (or that there seems to be a fair chance that I will like them) by flirting a bit, or paying the compliments in roundabout ways that can be a fun and very healthy game for both parties. It can be a way of letting someone know that I have good feeling for them without having to just blurt it out.
Why not just tell them you like them?
Sometimes it is best just to tell the person that you like them. But, how often is that really the best thing to do? It can really put the person on the spot if we do that. We have all had experiences of thinking that someone who we had just met was going to become a real friend, or a partner, only to find that as we got to know them the person turned out to be very different from what we expected. We all learn to have defences of one kind or another. Games are a way of playfully letting down a little bit of our defences in a way that gives us a way out, without too much embarrassment on either side, if it all goes pear shaped. If I have really got a liking for you early in a relationship and came right out and said it you might feel obliged to return the compliment, but feel awkward that you do not feel ready to do so. You could have number of other different adverse reactions; you might feel embarrassed, you might wonder what I was after, you might have been thinking "Gee, how can I get away from this person." and then feel guilty when I was nice to you.
Of course, you might have a positive response too. A well-delivered compliment can really help a relationship. However, I would need to make sure that I respected your process and the time you need to make up your mind about another person. Rather than make the compliment too direct it might be best to play it safe in and compliment you in roundabout ways in the beginning. I can compliment your dress sense, or you hairstyle, for example. Or, I can make indirect complements like "Anyone as fit looking as you would..." or "I can see you keep yourself in shape. Do you work out a lot...". Really I am saying that I like you, and you will know that, yet somehow it is safe and non-threatening. That is the essence of a healthy game.
If there are rules then it is a game.
The first thing we do when we want to play a game is establish a set of rules. A game is really a set of rules with which to play by. We could say, therefore, that if there are rules then it is a game. If is not a game then what is it and why would you want to take part in it? Just because it is a game does not mean it is not serious. You only need to observe people watching a football match to realise that a game can be a serious and very intense business. Games can be very serious and games can be very silly. They are often both at the same time depending on our perspective.
If one of my rules is 'it is best to be straight' then that is one of the rules from my game. Whether my game matches the game of the other person is a large part of what relating is about. If one of my rules is 'I don't play games', then I am playing the game of not-playing-games. It is still part of a set of rules and so it is still a game. After all there will be other rules in there too for sure; 'be serious', 'I will notice everything you say and do' and so on. Just because it is a 'serious game' rather than a 'silly game' doesn't stop it being a game. There may in fact be a fairly heavy-duty 'superiority' game going on in the 'no games' approach. But, usually it just means the person is trying to be honest and authentic - which is a healthy game.
Is being authentic a game?
You may wonder, "Is being real, sincere and authentic a game? Surely that is not a game?". It is really down to definitions of what a game is. Since I have sneakily defined a game as 'anything with a set of rules' then it is a game. Being authentic is a very good and healthy game, and is highly commendable (it is certainly far better than a game of lies and deceit). However, we have to be careful. If I get too enthusiastic with 'being real' I could come across as confrontative. I could end up unconsciously trying to impose my rules on everyone else. I may be tempted to assume that my rules are better or superior in some way. Mutual respect has to be a rule in any healthy game and it is important to let people reveal themselves in their own way and at their own pace. People have learned to be guarded through painful experiences and we need to respect that rather than decide that 'everyone should be more open' and then try and push them into it.
Playing Hard to Get
Playing Hard to Get is a peculiar game. Does it work? Yes and no. If we look at what kinds of creatures most attract men and women; it is babies, puppies and kittens. Do any of these play hard to get? No they don't. They just exude the charm that they have and that is all they need to do. However, human beings are also attracted to the unavailable. It can be tempting to use this to attract people to us. However, this is not necessarily a healthy attraction. Sooner or later the person has to get to know us. The attraction needs to be based on qualities we have, other than just being 'unavailable'. Playing Hard to Get may peak someone's interest (it may also put them right off), but ultimately we have to base our relationships on what we genuinely have to offer not on a myth.
A possibly useful effect that Playing Hard to Get offers is it prevents us displaying some forms of 'dependent' behaviour that can be off-putting to others. We don't come across as 'needy' or 'insecure' when we are being 'distant'. These two 'needy' and 'insecure' seem to be the biggest turn offs in relationships.
Therefore, Playing Hard to Get seems to offer two main benefits 1) the allure of the unavailable 2) the avoidance of appearing 'needy' or 'desperate'.
However, these are of very little long-term use. Ultimately we need to feel known and loved for who we are and being 'distant' doesn't give us that opportunity. Also, Playing Hard to Get does not really give us a chance to get to know the other person, so how can we really get love them for who they are? We might love the attention, but will we love them while all the time we know that we won them by not letting them get to know us?
If I am Playing Hard to Get because otherwise I keep making mistakes in relationships that cause the other person to lose interest then it is better I find out what those issues are and resolve them. That way I can learn to create relationships based on who I am rather than being based on what I am not (i.e. not there).
Don't flood the plant
The other side of Playing Hard to Get is making sure we don't flood the other person. When we are watering a plant in a pot we watch to see how quickly the water is being absorbed so that we can water it at a pace that does not cause the water to spill over and make a mess. Relationships are a bit like that. We need to watch that we are giving the person what they need, when they need it and in the right amount.
It is interesting that many more house plants or killed by over watering than by under watering. Perhaps that is also true of the start of relationships. Sometimes we need to back off and give the person space to absorb our interaction. This means not being full-on all the time. It also means observing the other person to see how the are responding. If they look like the want to be somewhere else then we may need to change the subject, or give them space to sort to breathe a bit.
Rules for a Healthy Game
Playing healthy games means playing by a set of rules that come from a sense of respect for our own needs and the needs of others. Below are some suggestions for rules for a Healthy Game, maybe some of these will be useful to you:
I won't lie to you, but I won't give you more truth than you can handle.
(I won't be in-your-face with how 'honest' and 'open' I am.)
I respect your boundaries.
(I start with a sense of mutual respect and take it from there.)
I will keep it light until you show me you are ready for more.
(I can be serious about you, but for now it is playtime.)
I expect my boundaries to be respected.
(If I sense unhealthy games I will not respond, or I will ask you what is happening - in a fun and playful way.)
I will be gently attentive, and not make you feel you are always on the spot.
(I will let you catch your breath and give you time to sort out for yourself how you feel about me)
I will notice what you like and give you more of it.
(I will notice what makes you smile and what makes you laugh and give some thought to how I can give you more of those moments).
I will not try to buy you.
(I will give to you when it feels like a genuine expression of how I feel. I won't do it just to impress you, or to be 'nice'.)
I will pace myself so as not too overwhelm you.
(I will remember the importance of timing and pace myself to suit your natural pace. I may sweep you off your feet at some point, but not unless I see signals that you are receptive enough for that).
I will take responsibility for how I feel.
(I don't expect you to take care of me, or be the source of happiness in my life. I take responsibility for my own well-being. I am getting to know myself and what makes me happy. You may, or may not, be part of that process. Let's see).
I will put my best foot forward.
(I will present myself in a positive light. Being a good friend to myself I will only reveal my foibles in a constructive and timely manner).
I will not judge you purely on looks.
(Looks may a part of my deciding whether I want a relationship with you are not, but they will not be the only factor. I will take time to get to know you for who you are.)
We are both OK
(Whatever happens between us I will treat myself kindly. If it does not work out I will not berate or blame myself, nor will I encourage myself to blame or berate you. I will congratulate myself for trying, pat myself on the back for what I did well, consider any changes I want to make to my behaviour in an encouraging and positive light, and move on.)
Relationship Games Tell-a-Friend!
