You may have noticed that personal ads often say that they are looking for 'someone with a GSOH' (Good Sense of Humor). That seems to be fairly common in ads from women looking for male partners.

I suspect then when we (male of female) get too deliberate about what we are doing it brings a heaviness to the situation that is sometimes appropriate, and sometimes not.

The curious thing about humor (or should that be 'the funny thing about humor') is that it a combination of a skill and an attitude. It is not that we necessarily need to be able to have everyone around us rolling around helpless with laughter to have a good sense of humor. It has much to do with having a playful attitude as anything.

A very good way to develop a sense of play, which others will find attractive, is to make sure we take time be playful. By that I mean genuine playfulness, which does not involve a lot of cynical or bitter humor. The intensity of modern life can make a challenge to find time to just have some simple harmless fun.

When learning to ski I noticed that if I got too focused on 'doing it right' a lot of the fun went out of it. I find the same in dating and relating. Yet finding a partner is much too important to be taken too seriously!

Besides, it actually makes it harder to do something 'right' if we are trying too hard. We tend to try too hard when we feel that there is a lot a stake. If we feel too invested in every small action we take it will reduce our chances of success.

If every email message I send, or my every attempt at a friendly 'Hello', is weighted as if the outcome is life threatening to me then that is a bit off putting to the recipient. Something will probably not feel right to them even if they can't say exactly what.

If we get that way it is important to look for way to pull ourselves out of it. Maybe we can just enjoy people for their own sake, and not just as potential life partners. Maybe we can play a little and not take the whole thing so seriously. Maybe love is bigger than the dating game and that we can express our need to relate in lots of different ways.

I know I probably go on about this a bit, but it is a topic that I think is very important. It is the topic of shame and self worth. If a person does lot like themselves then this is one of the things that can make them too serious. We have to feel that we are valuable and worthy before we are willing to give ourselves the gift of good and pleasant experiences.

Getting too serious is a self-perpetuating cycle. Getting too serious gets us stuck in the daily routine in a way that can cause us to forget that there is more to life. After all 'gravity' is a quality of the material world; it is not a quality of spirituality. Too much of that kind of gravity can get us enmeshed in the world in a way that is not good for us.

If you find yourself getting too serious (or the other extreme of getting too air headed and frivolous) I highly recommend getting hold of a good book on 'shame'. A search on Amazon, or a wander around the 'Self Improvement' section of a couple of good book stores may prove life changing. Notice what book sort of calls to you, or leaps out at you.

If nothing leaps out after a while, then notice which book you feel the strongest aversion to and seriously consider buying that one!