Finding God Through Sex

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Finding God Through Sex, David Deida

Note: According to Amazon this book is not published till June, 2002 in UK and August, 2002 in US. However, there are copies around so try your local bookshop (Publisher: Plexus, ISBN: 1-889762-15-6) or order direct from the author's web site.

As women have become more aware, and more expressive, of their sexual needs it has become a cliche to joke about men who fall asleep immediately after sex. However, what is not so obvious is that there is a female equivalent of this: women (or whoever has the 'feminine' role) who sometimes actually "fall asleep" during sex. I'm not referring to some unfortunate woman who literally falls asleep in the midst of sex out of boredom and lack of interest in her lover - though that probably happens too. What I am refereeing to is more of a psychological "falling asleep". It is when a woman gets so caught up in passion and sensual pleasure that somehow she is no longer present. This may well be because she has finally found someone who makes an effort to focus on her needs and really takes their time about it - at last! I certainly don't begrudge women such experiences. However, ideally those experiences are steps to another level of intimacy.

As man if have occasionally found it a disconcerting when a woman 'disappears' into sensuality during a passionate exchange. I would feel something like, "Oops, where did she go?. I'm sure she was here a minute ago...". This was particularly true if the woman spent a longish time with her eyes closed. In a way, it was immensely delightful that she was so into what is happening between us. However, if I am looking for a deeper personal connection with my lover I want to express that through affection and love not just passion. It felt to me like we were letting the passion swamp all the finer feelings rather then letting it enhance them.

I vital part of feeling intimate with someone is eye contact. It is difficult to make eye contact with someone who is thrashing around like a crazed ferret (as delightful and absolutely amazing as that is in other ways). The trick is how to have both the eye contact and the 'crazed ferret'. Of course, it is quite natural for us to want to close our eyes sometimes during sex. It is a matter of finding the right balance.

Ironically, it seemed that the better the lover I was with the more keenly I felt that something else was possible and that something deeper needed to happen. It is this deeper and profounder experience of sex that is dealt with in Finding God Through Sex by David Deida. The book offers ways in which both male and female roles (whatever the gender of the person in that role) can be broadened and deepened to allow sex to be a spiritual experience.

Essentially the book is about opening to love and staying present with the loving part of ourselves. And, to do this no matter what is going on in the relationship be it having a fight or having sex. However, the book - as can be assumed from its title - mostly focuses on how to do so during sex.

The book alternates between looking at the traditional "masculine" and "feminine " roles and how these can be developed so that each partner can contribute to a deeper experience of sexuality. Much of the focus is on relaxing our guard and opening to the deep love that all of us carry within us that we so yearn to express. The book carries the message that far deeper satisfaction awaits us is in expressing that love through our passion and sensuality than in trying to lose ourselves in passion and sensuality. Our connection to our deeper selves needs to be the priority. "Love is the greatest pleasure. We should never surrender to anything less than love." Therefore the greatest gift we can give is to support our lover in opening to the love that is within them.

David encourages those of us in a masculine role to go beyond a narrow focus and to broaden our experience to include a sense of our partner's whole body (smells, sounds, position, rhythm etc.), then to develop a sense of our partner's feelings, and then to move to sensing the flow of energy in our partner's body.

For those in a feminine role the focus is on becoming more able to let go and surrender to pleasure, but to also remember love. By surrendering to the moment the feminine helps the masculine to surrender too. When love is flowing from the feminine this acts as an invitation to the deep loving aspects of the masculine and gives the masculine something higher and more profound to surrender to.

"Depth without pleasure is too serious for great sex, and this often happens when your man tries to deepen sex. He studies 'how to do it'... and make something important happen. All the while you feel his lack of flow and humor...

On the other hand, pleasure without depth is too frivolous for great sex, and this is what happens when you go wild in delight without receiving your lover's deep presence. "

Many of us draw back from the deep love that is within us. Perhaps we are waiting for the 'perfect' person to come along, or the 'perfect' situation, before we will give ourselves permission to experience that level of love. Perhaps we feel blocked through pain or fear. If so, these issues are bound to come up in our intimate relationships. Intimate relationships offer a wonderful opportunity to heal and resolve those issues if we allow ourselves to move into, through and beyond them. The healing power that is a natural part of sexual energy can serve us in healing ourselves and allow us to server our partner in their healing.

"How do you practice love when you are hurt afraid or angry? First relax your entire body. Let go of all tension... It's fine to cry or yell, just return to full, open breath and relaxed body as soon as you are able... If possible, look directly into your lover's eyes. As you continue breathing fully and evenly, feel as if you are breathing your lover. Feel as if you are breathing his or her breath... as if you are breathing through your lover. Be willing to inhale and receive your lover's pain, anger, hurt, fear and tension. Breathe it in and allow it to dissolve in the endless depth of you love. Then exhale love into and through your partner."

At the beginning of each chapter there are some explicit sexual accounts that relate to the stories and insights in that chapter. This gives the book a very 'real' feeling.

The ideas and exercises in this book have a lot to offer in healing our relationship to our sexuality and in allowing our sexuality to help heal the other aspects of our lives. I found the sections on how men and women can help each other become more awake to love and true passion particularly helpful and insightful. Both men and women will find much in this book to help keep their partner truly awake during sex.

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