Dating Tips and Advice 9: When Things Don't Go Smoothly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When Things Don't Go Smoothly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As you will probably have noticed, things don't always go as smoothly as we would like in relationships. In the early delicate stages of getting to know someone it can be all too easy to say the wrong thing, write the wrong thing, or whatever, and end of feeling like we have made a complete fool of ourselves, and that our mouth is full of ashes.
If this has happened to you and you feel a strange compulsion to go out into the garden and eat worms, then consider that there may be better alternatives.
If we get some form of rejection, whether it is straightforward 'NO!' a 'Dear John...' letter, or someone is avoiding us, what makes us feel bad is not really the event itself it is what we tell ourselves about it.
I've noticed that I, and most of the people I know, make fairly negative assumptions about ourselves when a relationship does not work out. Few people just say to themselves 'Good, I have just had a narrow escape from someone who would have been totally unsuitable for me', and then move on. Yet, that is an option.
Instead, most of us get into a loop of negative thinking and feeling that can take a while to get over. Part of this is all the self-judgment and self-blame that can come up if we really 'blow it' and feel that we really 'messed up' in a relationship.
However, mostly what has gone 'wrong', if anything, is simply due to a lack of skill, and maybe a lack of understanding of how to develop those skills. It is hard to know how to do something unless someone shows us, or teaches us in some way. Very few of us have had anyone show the most skillful ways to 'get a date', 'ask someone out', 'give a compliment' or 'write a good email'. Yet, we can get really down on ourselves for not being natural experts at those things.
What is 'natural' anyway? People usually mean 'instinctive'. Yet, a kitten spends most of its time as kitten practicing to be a cat. A puppy spends most of it time as a puppy practicing to be a dog. Why should the much more involved and complex task of learning to be a human being not involve lots of (life long) practice?
We spend most of our time in homes and in schools that prevent us practicing to be human. Lots of 'Don'ts', and not so many useful 'Do's'. Oh yes, we learn maths (well maybe), but not a lot about how to get along with other people and certainly not much about finding a mate. We may pick up something about those skills from people around us, but for most of us it is all a bit haphazard and chaotic.
Beating ourselves up for lack of skills is not useful - in fact that is itself a lack of skill. It is more useful to think about what happened, try and figure out what skills we need to learn, and go about learning them. What else is there to do in life anyway?
My current favorite definition of winning: 'You are winning if you are learning and growing'. That's it. That's all there is to it. Stop learning and growing and we are not winning - not matter what success we have. Focus on learning and growing and we are winning - no matter what else happens. After all the life process is winning when we learn and grow, so maybe that's what it is all about.
We can't be sure that we won't make some mistakes (maybe even some very big ones), but we can be sure to benefit from them if we are willing to do that. We benefit by extracting every ounce of learning that we can.
OK. I'll get off my soapbox now and include some useful skills to try out in the next newsletter.
