~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That's not the Problem! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lot of the advice given out by various relationship 'experts' does not work. Many of us have spent years reading about and listening to such people to try and figure out, 'What am I doing wrong'. But, it is the advice that is flawed not us.
Their advice often makes a basic assumption about human nature that I now believe is misses the point. If the basic assumption is wrong then the advice won't work; no matter how clever, insightful or helpful it may seem.
A lot of advice I've come across makes is the assumption that what blocks people creating good relationships is lack confidence of some kind. While there is some truth in this, it goes astray after that. They assume this is down to some kind of 'fear', or nervousness. They assume 'shyness' is a form of fear. That is simply not true.
What blocks us most of the time is not 'fear' it is actually 'shame'. Shyness is not a fearful state; it is a 'shame' state. Shyness is a feeling of low self-worth. Low self-worth will often masquerade as fear, anger, resentment, bitterness and so on. When that is the case then trying to tackle those issues head on (i.e. a fearful or angry attitude) does not work.
Trying to handle the 'apparent' issues head on can actually do damage, because we can end up 'failing' and our sense of self-worth sinks even lower.
Let me give you an example from the male world. This is the advice given by one notable expert (who usually gives good advice) in order to overcome 'fear around women'. He suggests that men go to their local shopping mall and walk up to every attractive woman that they see and (after talking to her for a few minutes) ask for her phone number.
That advice will either sound appallingly simple or simply appalling depending on whether you are a shy guy, or not. This is supposed to help men 'get over fear'. However, many shy guys will read this advice and know that they just cannot do it. Their low sense of self-worth will kick in, fill them with anxiety, and block them.
They have just been told it is 'fear' that is the problem. It looks like it is the problem because they felt intensely anxious even thinking about it, or making any moves to try it. They then quietly assume that they are a 'coward' or 'not much of a man' or something for not being able to follow the advice and feel bad about themselves.
The presence of anxiety does not mean fear is the problem! The anxiety is just a 'warning light' that there is something deeper. It is a sign that part of us is feeling threatened and needs protection. And, it is right!
Anxiety is actually a form of wisdom. Rather than trying to bludgeon our way through it, or try and ignore it, we need to work with it a bit.
Treating yourself gently, especially around issues of making 'mistakes' in social situations, will help you reduce shame and shyness. If you beat yourself up every time you do something wrong it is hardly suprising that you get to feel anxious and stressed.
Confidence is not based on never making mistakes it is based on not caring so much whether we make mistakes or not - because we know that we are basically OK - and that we will make amends of we make a mess.
