Dating Tips and Advice 4: Self Confidence and Self Worth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Topics ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Self Confidence and Self Worth Reader's Response
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Self Confidence and Self Worth ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Self Confidence and Self Worth obviously have a lot to do with how well we do in relationships. However, what confuses the picture is that the two terms are often used as if they have the same meaning. They are really different things.
Self Confidence is about how we relate to the world. Self Worth is about how we relate to ourselves. Naturally these two things are interlinked and one affects the other. But they bring very different gifts and very different skills.
Self Confidence gives us the ability to make things happen in the world. It helps us set goals and achieve results. When our Self Confidence is high we attract people through our ability to get things done and 'be out there'.
Self Worth helps us value other people for who they are (rather than what they do). It helps us build friendships and relationships based on mutual caring. When our Self Worth is high we attract people through our ability to just 'be there' for them and with them.
If Self Confidence is high and Self Worth is very low then we get out of balance. It can make us tend to put on a show and feel hollow inside. If this goes to far we can end up unable to enjoy our successes. While others are giving us a congratulatory pat on the back we feel like kicking ourselves as being undeserving. When our Self Worth is low we may tell ourselves "If only they knew what I am really like…".
If Self Confidence is very low and Self Worth is high then we get out of balance that way too. It can make us tend to hide out with our friends, family, or people we feel 'comfortable' (or an acceptable discomfort) around. We may walk in someone's shadow, hide behind a powerful boss, or someone who 'protects' us from the world (even if they are nasty otherwise). We may have things we really want to do with our lives (intensely so), but make excuses as to why it is OK to do nothing about.
When it comes to finding a partner lack of Self Confidence or Self Worth will obviously get in the way. Self Confidence helps us meet people; Self Worth helps us keep them. Self Confidence helps us establish an initial connection; Self Worth helps us relate in ways that create a healthy relationship.
Our Self Worth and Self Confidence can be affected by what other people say and do. However, they are also both affected by what we say and do. They are very much affected by what we decide about ourselves and our own value. Ultimately it is our decision whether we feel good and happy, or not. What we cultivate and what we tolerate is what grows.
Please check out the thought-provoking Reader's Response below, which also touches on these issues.
- William
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reader's Response ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [This is an email from a female MYG member - included by permission.]
Hi William,
I'm taking you up on your "invite" [to give feedback -ed.] Your newsletters provoke (my) thought.
I suspect even the most confident person will face a certain degree of anxiety when making him/herself vulnerable to another human being. So you're right -- it isn't strictly a matter of shyness.
The key, however, is that you must force yourself to do things which make you anxious. (Unless of course the life of lonely tv dinners and video watching is acceptable to the person in point.) I have heard that forcing one's self to approach or be vulnerable is akin to building a muscle that is out of use; it grows stronger with time and becomes more resilient. (If you only approach one person every 3 years, of course any rejection will be overwhelming devastating. And set you back another 3 years!)
As someone who doesn't like to lose face (not unlike most men I think), I have found that admitting to anxiety, rather than making me feel like a foolish loser, actually builds strength. Once that is "out there," it's kind of a relief (hiding feelings is extremely energy-sapping).
I think this works for men as well. Too many men, when anxious or fearful (or ashamed), act VERY oddly! (A person scared out of his/her wits is not typically shown to best advantage.) Odd behavior on the part of men is confusing and unsettling to women, who (I think) who rather know the man's behavior is rooted in anxiety (rather than dementia, say). A man whose brain is feverishly screaming at him "DON'T SCREW THIS UP!!" is not typically a fun man to spend time with.
So, I think admission is key. Not blubbering up a sob story of low self worth, but simply saying, "I'm nervous tonight" can be incredibly disarming (and bring out the softness in a woman -- or a man for that matter). How often do we end up saying to someone: "I had NO IDEA you were nervous; I thought you were acting like that because you were mad/bored/had eaten some bad fish!" (and everyone laughs congenially).
You are right. Anxiety in the early stages of a courtship makes good sense! Especially as more and more is revealed. A person is waiting for the dire moment he/she says or does that one thing that sends The Other running for the hills.
Men are taught to guard themselves and not show weakness, but that is the very essence of what will create connection to the woman. Our weaknesses tend to be tied to our deepest selves, and it's our deepest selves that both love and receive love. It's quite the bind! But at the end of the day, it is the ONLY route to what we truly want and need.
