~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It Does Not Work! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It doesn't work..." is the plaintive cry that I often heard from people when they have problem with a computer not doing what they want it to. That often seems to be many people's response when relationships go wrong as well.
The more accurately we can describe the problem the better our chances of finding a solution. However, when it comes to relationships it can be more difficult to know what the problem is - or even if there is actually a problem.
Someone we really like may not return our phone calls. Someone we thought we were getting on well with may decide that they don't want to see us any more. To some of us these would feel like a hard knocks; while others would just take things like that in their stride. Some of us would wonder "What is wrong with me!", some would wonder "What is wrong with them!", and some would just carry on regardless.
I believe there is a quirk in human nature which shows up in how we handle challenges. Lets look a more mundane example, to do with computers, to get the idea.
Even when there is clear information about how to respond to a problem, otherwise sensible people can sometimes become all floppy and helpless. I have provided support for a variety of computer systems over the years. I have noticed that even with systems which always clearly state "Sorry there has been an error. Please report error code XYZ to Support.', very few people ever quote the error code when reporting a problem. About nine out of ten people would contact support to just plead helplessly, "It doesn't work...".
I reckon this quirk often shows up too in relationships as it seems to arise when we are dealing with unfamiliar territory. After all most of what goes on in relationships is unfamiliar territory as we often do not know what to expect. We are dealing with another human being who is probably at least as quirky as we are, so who knows what might happen!
When we know what we are doing we can feel confident and secure. When we don't know what we are doing what can we rely on? Why is it some people can tackle new situations easily and others are very threatened by them?
I believe is that Self Worth is what bolsters us when we cannot rely on our Self Confidence. If we have a high sense of Self Worth, we have a feeling that we are basically good. If we make a mistake, or look foolish, then it is not such a big deal as we feel like we are essentially alright. However, if our sense of Self Worth is low then we 'need to be right' just about all the time and we like feel we cannot afford to make mistakes.
It is worth looking closer at the phrase, "we like feel we cannot afford to make mistakes". Our sense of Self Worth is like an inner bank account which enables us to cope with the unknown. Losing a few pennies only matters to someone who is very poor. If we are low in Self Worth then even the smallest slight can some like a harsh blow. If we are high in Self Worth then it is much easier to take everything that happens in our stride.
What is Self Worth? Well, it is basically just about liking ourselves. It comes from giving ourselves a break and letting ourselves be OK. Patting ourselves on the back when we do good and not giving ourselves too hard a time when we really mess up.
Only you can decide that you are worthy, no one else can do it for you. Many of us who never have a kind thought for ourselves wonder why we feel so low. We feel so low because we keep putting ourselves down! The thoughts that go on inside your head are very real to the parts of you that are listening to those thoughts.
How would a very kind person talk to a really good friend? That's how we need to talk to ourselves. Doing that creates the kind of inner wealth, in the form of Self Worth, which enables to get through the lumps in the Cosmic Porridge which we call life. Of course we need to be honest about things we want to improve in our lives, but that comes from encouraging ourselves to do better and not from overly harsh and critical of ourselves.
When we treat ourselves well we have less need for other people to do the same. That makes us less 'needy'. It also means we have to put a lot less energy into pretending that we don't need anybody. Life is not about 'not needing anybody'. It is about needing other people, but not being desperate about it - because we put a little bit of effort in maintaining a healthy sense of Self Worth.
I think it's fine to need people. There are 6 billion human beings out there, what's wrong with needing a few of 'em! What is not fine is to let our Self Worth get so low that we get so 'needy' that we push other people away. Why spend our whole lives searching for someone to do the job we are supposed to do ourselves? It is not the job of someone out there to tell us we are OK, that is our job.
Giving ourselves a hard time when relationships don't work out is like refusing to eat because you feel hungry! That makes it worse not better. It is when we feel low that we really need treat ourselves kindly and not heap more blame and recrimination on ourselves.
So next time you feel a bit low because a relationships has gone all wrong, or you just can't seem to do anything right. Try and pull back a little bit from it all. See if you can be gentle on yourself, no matter who was at fault, or who did what to whom.
Maybe next time things go wrong you'll maybe feel more like, 'It doesn't work...that way...but this might....'.
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Till next time,
William webmaster@meetyourgreens.com http://meetyourgreens.com
