Dating Tips and Advice 34: How to Quit Needing Approval
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How to Quit Needing Approval ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The biggest passion-killer seems to be the need for approval. This cuts both ways in my experience. If I really want someone else to approve of me, it usually turns them off. Similarly if someone else desperately needs my approval it can put me off them.
Of course, all of us want someone we like to like us in return. That is fair enough. But what can happen in the middle of that is unrealized and unfulfilled needs can come up. A normal need for approval suddenly gets amplified and goes from a quiet whisper to the sound level of heavy metal band on full volume.
We start off feeling like we 'sort of like someone a little bit' and the next thing you know we can soon feel like we want to cling to them like they are some kind of life raft in a storm-tossed sea.
I sometimes think the need for approval is a bit of an addiction. Like any addiction it is fuelled by an unconscious sense of lack. However, I suspect that the need for approval could be also be part of our survival instinct. In days of old if we did not fit in (i.e. if we were shunned by our tribe) it could pretty much meant certain death or certainly bring us into great danger from the next big, toothy creature that came along.
Of course, a macho hunk like me likes to think I don't need anybody's approval... However, in real life it does not work like that. If I find myself really wanting a particular person to like me what can I do to stop feeling that way? We all need a certain amount of approval. The things is it does not have to come so much from other people - if at all.
The more often we criticize ourselves or are down on ourselves the more we set ourselves up for needing to be approved by other people - to balance that out. The more we approve of ourselves the more we feel emotionally well fed and healthy. We can then stay away from emotional junk food and take proper care of ourselves.
That in turn makes us feel like we have more to give and don't 'need' so much. We can then reach out to others with a sense of wanting to give rather than wanting to take. And, guess what happens? Yes, we got more approval from others even though we are not even looking for it!
We need to approve of ourselves. Its as simple as that. There really isn't much of any other option as it is as basic as our need for good food. Healthful emotional food is as important as healthful physical food. And, we need approval from somewhere...
Oddly enough we often do the opposite of what we ought to be doing. We deny ourselves in order to make a special effort to attract someone. We go all out to impress them. But that just makes us needy for their approval. Starving ourselves emotionally is never going to help us attract a healthy partner, because I healthy partner won't feel good about us doing that.
I reckon the secret to getting someone you really like to like you is this: put a bit of extra effort into being good to yourself. That way you are more likely to feel a sense of well being. There will be something about you that the other person can't help notice if they are on your wavelength at all. Of course you can be good to them too, but if you are also looking after yourself it will come across in a way that is genuinely warm and caring.
While you are approving of yourself I like to think that you will also approve of this newsletter. That would be nice, but it is not essential...;)
Till next time,
William webmaster@meetyourgreens.com http://www.meetyourgreens.com
