Dating Tips and Advice > Dating Tips and Advice 23: How to Get Love Instead of Burnt Beans
Dating Tips and Advice 23: How to Get Love Instead of Burnt Beans
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How to Get Love Instead of Burnt Beans ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever felt that you did all the right things, really tried you best with someone, yet the person just ends up avoiding you? You feel like you have nothing to eat, but burnt beans. Yuk...
This is sometimes because we are not saying what we think we are saying. For example, 'I love you' can come across as "I'm desperate and you'll do.", "Nobody else wants me, but I think I can fool you.", or perhaps, "You'll fall for this old line, I know it".
Of course, those same three words can come across as just the perfect thing to lift a relationship to a new level. What the difference?
The difference is on what you are thinking while you say it. Those thoughts create feelings and those feelings got communicated to the other person - even of neither of the two of you know how or why.
Think for a moment about sarcasm. That is when it is pouring with rain and you say to someone, 'Great weather we are having' in a dry tone of voice. They immediately understand you mean the opposite of what your words are saying.
How do you do that? You do it by holding an intention to say one thing, yet using words that say something else. Sarcasm is an extreme example of when you are saying one thing but meaning another. However, we all do that much more than most people realize and we are all also forever picking up on it.
The people we meet often react to what we are really saying, not just to the words we use, so it behooves us to learn what we are really communicating.
We are not always aware of our 'hidden' intentions (well, they are hidden from us at least!). But, we can learn. And, it is quite an adventure I can tell you.
If you say "I love you" to someone. while holding the thought "I'm no good" or "I really need you desperately.". It will sound very different than if you are holding the thought "I will be so good for you", or "Wait till you see what I can do for you.", or even "We will be so great together.".
You may notice that the second set of examples feel much better. If you go off alone and try practicing it (Yes, I know its embarrassing, but it is well worth doing.) you'll probably find that there will a subtle something in your tone of voice in the second examples. You voice will feel warmer, and much more attractive.
Now the real power in this is not only in the 'I love you' examples. As you begin to master this you can learn to say 'I love you' while actually talking about the weather (as the old song goes). Now that is powerful!
Combine it with good eye contact and you can make someone knees go funny while chatting about nothing much at all. You can do this by interjecting occasional thoughts of 'I am going to be so good to you', and the like, into your thinking while you talk.
Also this will get you into a mood to be genuinely good for him/her. This is about culvating; it is not about manipulating. Only do this with people you can (or would like to) feel that way about. It is about developing your genuine capacity to express love.
Of course, we don't want to overdo it. But, we would probably find this skill rather useful. Like all skills it takes a wee bit of practice. It is also lots of fun.
Also like any skill we can practice on the people around and not just wait till a potential partner comes along. When talking to a friend or relation you are fond of try holding the thought 'I so value our friendship', or 'You are such a gem' very distinctly and see what it does to your relationship.
Of course you may be doing this already anyway with that person without even thinking about it, but is it good practice to do it deliberately for a while. It will show you part of why you get on so well with some people and not with others.
'But?', you are about to ask, 'What if I do really feel needy and desperate?'. Well, the person you are trying to woo probably feels that way too often enough. Everyone gets 'needy' sometimes. Let's not mistake a passing mood for who you really are - even if that mood is taking decades to pass!
The thought 'I need you' is just a thought. Whatever else it is, it is just a thought. No more no less. Why not start exercising you democratic rights! Why not start to pick and choose the thoughts you have about yourself? Especially since they result in behavior that makes them come true!
If you get too stuck on thinking 'I need you' what happens? They run a mile and you end up 'needing' them even more.
Take care of the needy part when your potential partners are not around - at least in the early stages. I am not saying abandon or avoid the needy part of yourself (not at all). Give it healthy attention, get it a cuddly toy, a massage, do fun things with it too. Those kinds of things are perfect for reducing neediness. By all means do what you need to meet your own needs (that is very important too) just don't let it run your life.
If you had to live off burnt beans as a kid, that does not mean you have to eat them the rest of your days! Maybe your parents (or whoever) really were mean or clueless. Lets move on. Start feeding your thoughts with some good healthy stuff.
