~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did You Pass the Test? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young lady friend of mine and was telling me about a guy that she had in her 'just friends' category (he wanted more),. I ask her what she did not like about the guy, that she did not want more from him. Her reply fascinated me. She scornfully said, "Oh I don't like him much, because he does everything I ask him to...".
The poor guy! He is doing everything he can to win her and with everything he does he is losing her. It doesn't happen like that in the movies...
Now, I hope this horrifies some of the guys who read it and shocks them out of being Nice Guys. Just being 'accommodating' is not enough to create a healthy relationship. It's important to give and receive healthy challenges too.
People test other people all the time, sometimes without either party being aware of it. Being a straight guy (please translate the following to suit your own preferences) I am more aware of the ways in which women test men. But, I am sure men do similar things (I would appreciate it if women members would write to me with some insights on how men test women).
We need people who stand up to us and don't always give us what we want. This is where books like John Gray's, Mars and Venus on a Date go a bit askew. That book is full of great advice and some brilliant ideas, but it seems to me too skewed towards being understanding and accommodating
[Don't get me wrong. Mars and Venus on a Date is an excellent great book. I would recommend it, but NOT to everyone. I would not recommend it to a Nice Guy. (I would recommend David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man to a Nice Guy, or refer them to: www.doubleyourdating.com ). However, Nice Guys are more likely to read the Mars and Venus kind of book and are certainly more likely to buy it than any other kind of guy.]
Some people reckon that women are instinctively programmed to test men. It is like a woman has to make sure that the man is strong enough to handle her and to handle crises. Maybe its nature's way of helping her discover if he is good genetic material. I am loath to generalize, but it seems to fit.
If there is no suitable crises around maybe she will have to make one up! If instead of responding in a centered and empowered way the man gets all mushy, 'What's the matter honey...', she may find herself losing interest in him.
In fact, she may find herself getting furious at him and not sure why. She may wonder if there is something wrong with her and why she is being so hard on this 'nice' man. The more he is nice to her when she is playing up, the madder she gets. But, nature has programmed her to be scornful of 'weakness' in men.
I'll repeat that in case you missed it. Nature has programmed women to be scornful of weakness in men. How else would the race have survived for so long? If women were genetically programmed to mate 'weak' men there would be no human race. Sorry, but nature is not politically correct.
Oh yes, women like soft, sensitive men as 'friends'. But, if such a man tries to mate with her he faces millions of years of evolutionary instincts trying to block him (unless he is the artsy type, or she is a really 'ballsy' woman, but that's another story). I am not saying that being soft and sensitive makes a man weak, but it does if he is stuck there. It makes him weak if that is all he can do and he does not also have ways to be healthy ways be strong, empowered and be able handle conflict. It makes him weak if he is not balanced.
Its not that men cannot be caring and sensitive, but we need to do it as men and not get all girly about it. Now guys. If you want to learn to be more be caring and sensitive learn it from other guys (yes, there are not many great role models around for us I'll grant you that). Don't copy how women do it as it is more likely to come out girly and may mess up your relationship.
We need to keep a balance between the 'affable' sides of our nature and the 'deliberate' sides of our nature in order to create healthy relationships. Jumping through hoops to please someone else is a sure way to lose them sooner or later - or fail to win them in the first place.
A polite and firm 'no' from time-to-time, or some healthy negotiation (preferably without any name-calling nonsense), helps create a bit of spark.. A deliberately cultivated attitude of "Let's see how you can be good for me...", can help offset a tendency to be too nice.
It can be too easy for an affable kind of person to get caught into trying to please someone they are attracted to. It is natural enough in a way. However, if overdone it kills the spark. Give someone everything right away and they don't feel they need anything from you.
If we really like someone, and we want to show it, then we can do that it in ways that also respect our own needs. A healthy person will only be too happy to respect our needs too, as that is the only basis for a healthy and sustainable relationship.
Showing someone that you respect your own needs, as well as theirs, is a way of letting them know that you are able create healthy relationships. In fact, it is the only way to show them that we can do so.
Interesting, creating healthy relationships with other people gets back to creating a healthy relationship with ourselves. But, what else could we expect?
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Till next time,
William webmaster@meetyourgreens.com http://meetyourgreens.com
